be your own palace or the world is your jail

As I mentioned earlier, during Reconnect, I also found out that due to circumstances beyond my control, I would be moved to a new site. I understand why the decision was made, and I appreciated PC staff including me as a part of the entire process. Taking in the news was hard, to say the least.

Telling my host family I would be leaving was one of the most emotionally trying experiences of my life. I always thought, I have two years here, we have plenty of time to do everything. But then suddenly those two years weren't going to happen there. I second-guessed all of the things I did with the time that had already passed, and if I could have done more. More river trips, more baking banana bread, more conversations about our childhoods with my host mom, more dancing and karate fights and silliness. Our meals together, our evenings watching tv or doing homework, the little moments that I so cherish, were over. My host mom referred to me as her oldest daughter, and she and my host siblings cried that day. I did too, the entire drive back to town.

I felt terrible too, thinking about the many missed opportunities in the village. All I could think of were the things I had planned for the future, the things I thought would come with time. The clinic days, sessions at school, the grand plans my community health worker and I had made to improve health and promote involvement within the village. My community was challenging, and maybe I wouldn't have accomplished much in my village, but now I wouldn't even get the chance to try. I had gotten through the first three months: the difficulties that come with living with a new host family, learning how to work effectively with work partners, building an understanding of my new village's needs and challenges. And there were a lot, to be honest. But I had begun to think of them as my issues to tackle...it had become my new home. People in the village were used to foreigners coming in for several days or weeks and then leaving, never to return again. I had worked hard to let people know I was there to stay but then...I wasn't. It was a difficult realization for me to process, that I would be grouped in with those other groups, when I had promised everyone I wouldn't be like that.

Then, I began to think about the new site. I had no idea where I would be sent, but I knew I wanted to stay in the same district. Thankfully, PC staff worked closely with me to accommodate my wants and needs as much as they could. But I had so much anxiety about starting over. I had just had my three months of village group meetings to present myself, introductions (occasionally awkward) to every villager I encountered, and attending all kinds of social events to establish myself as a resident in my village. Now, I would have to start the process all over again, and be almost four months behind the other volunteers. It's been frustrating to think about, but I like to repeat the ever-important phrases of Peace Corps:

Take one day at a time

Stay positive

Cliched but hey, they're oft-repeated for a reason!

After almost a month to the day of being in limbo, I finally received confirmation of my new site. My new village is at the other end of my district, near my favorite town, San Ignacio. It is much larger and more condensed than my old village, which brings with it both pros and cons. The school principal and community health worker are very eager work partners, which is encouraging. I have four new host brothers, all of whom are affectionate and super sweet. It's still early for me, but I'm looking forward to seeing what I can do here. I'll have another entry in the near future talking about my first impressions for my second village. Time to do it (everything) again!